vamessyvlogs

Notes:

This page was definitely formatted to be viewed on a computer- if you’re on a mobile it’s probably gonna look pretty funky #oopsies
- I'm thinking of reformatting this page for the upteenth time to be more artsy so stay tuned!! Rn I have it sorta set up like a mini chapbook, but I'm open to ideas if anyone has any!!
I started writing these a few years ago in hopes of finding a better way to process big emotions (good & bad!) Mood range is pretty sporadic- aka some are cutesy fun & some are a bit heavy :,)
I get a lot out of writing these & wanted to share a few because they mean so much to me!
If you've made it this far wow hey thanks!!!

enjoy! (maybe?)

mantra of a young girl

care free & a little bit reckless

no seatbelt nor destination

and i know there's no turnin' back

on the one way road called growin'

some easier navigation vibes:

for people like me

in the grey

craving a partner & feeling best alone

avoiding things that call the most

fear of a sip & a thirst to be known

holding on while trying to let go

homesick for a place i’ve outgrown

maybe i’m in the grey

baby i’m in the grey

dreaming bold & living in lowercase

sadness is a twin to blinding rage

the right puzzle & a piece out of place

barely recognizing my own face

growth lives on a street named mistakes

maybe i’m in the grey

baby i’m in the grey

taming my ego & trusting my gut

married parents with never a sign of love

missing my friends & muting my phone

success means walking lonely roads

worry for things i can’t control

maybe i’m in the grey

baby i’m in the grey

working a desk & living to be outside

need a little pain to know i’m alive

doom scrolling & our precious time

fear of what’s behind my distracted mind

one chance lives spent on nine to fives

maybe i’m in the grey

baby i’m in the grey

enjoying sunsets & mourning days

watching the crash just to look away

wanting to win & not entering the race

the urge to run when frozen in place

racing the reaper but there’s no escape

maybe i’m in the grey

baby i’m in the grey

not quite lost & not yet found

my baseball cap stuck in this flat brim town

craving music & scratching an itch

always thinking of people i never miss

loving you means taking a risk

maybe i’m in the grey

baby i’m in the grey

the lucky cards & what was dealt

set the alarm but ignored the warning bell

serving a truth & tasting my guilt

nostalgia for something i’ve never felt

knocking down every wall i’ve built

maybe i’m in the grey

baby i’m in the grey

in the grey

knowing of death & assuming tomorrow

driving windows down in any weather

healed wounds & nerves that remember

wildfire spreads from tiny embers

books that end up forever borrowed

maybe i’m in the grey

baby i’m in the grey

seeing their heart & hearing mine off-beat

sick of drowning when the water isn’t deep

the wolf pup & her family of sheep

a dusty box with my favorite cleats

view is nice but the cost is steep

maybe i’m in the grey

baby i’m in the grey

trusting faith & doubting religion

caring from afar but never forgiving

lessons learned & witches burning

dancing to my soundless rhythm

second guessing the good i’m earning

maybe i’m in the grey

baby i’m in the grey

going with the flow & hating the motion

dash light on but nothing’s broken

everything said & what’s left unspoken

choosing numbness over emotion

raised in mountains to crave the ocean

maybe i’m in the grey

baby i’m in the grey

harmless crushes & familiar dangers

socials convincing me i know a stranger

hopeful futures & empty plans

blood dripping from my hands that fed

starting to think healing never ends

maybe i’m in the grey

baby i’m in the grey

yearning for thunder & breathing sunshine

finding peace in the storm’s eye

feeling lost & stealing street signs

black truths sting harder than lies

a blessing, curse, or one blurred line

maybe i’m in the grey

baby i’m in the grey

maybe we’re in the grey

baby i’ll lead the way

fleetwood

slow walkin' mid street

barefoot on the black top

dusk melted to green

rain drops ain't slowin'

tired eyes so steady

dark hair in the breeze

she's dreams on repeat

singin' to lonely suns

spin dancin' for trees

oh me, oh my

ramblin' ramblin' sad girl

oh me, oh my

woe is me

tough luck honey

that's just how life'll be

you're either in for the ride

or payin' the final fee

oh me, oh my

live free or die tryin'

all roads

the further you wander

the closer you go

darling don’t you know

all roads lead to home

darling don’t you know

all roads bring you home

to the busy days

real life movie scene

starlit road cruisin'

warm summer breeze

salt in the air

never felt so free

aimless riding

just the girls & me

outrunning time

drinking in youth

fearless loving

snapshot immortality

a small forever

real life movie scene

red rock bleed

winding down to sedona

mapping out my thoughts

dreaming of a stranger

feeling a little lost

& i’m racing reality

burning off fear

drinking in hope

escaping expectations

finding myself here

but my grip is slipping

i’m choking on control

losing my breath

chasing the unsaid

& daring for more

carries a cost

it’s blindly falling

& accepting the loss

red rock bleed

but if we’re doomed to slip

would it be so bad

to just

let

go?

will the daydream bleed

or will we just never know?

flying out of phoenix

time now spent

muting a lost cause

i’m into the cage again

will the daydream bleed?

will the healing ever end?

i guess we’ll never know

i’m into the cage again

love of a line

grace loves waiting in lines

she says it’s a small moment in life

where she feels

just right

in a world always in a rush

places to be

people to see

it’s a moment of peace

being exactly where we’re supposed to be

we did our part

we got to the place

we have our things

now

we just wait

nothing to control

no reason to stress

it’s a small little break

a moment for breath

love of a line

an everyday pause

escape from the mess

a small little moment

chance for a rest

i know it sounds silly

but now i find peace in lines

the grocery store,

traffic,

i can’t rush time

it’s a moment in life

where i feel just right

it’s a moment in time

i’ll feel a little light

we all need a moment

to feel a little free

how rare it is to know

i’m right where i’m supposed to be

all-night revival

it was a warm night in july

an outdoor concert

mountains

music

my friends

under a clear night sky

we were barefoot in the grass

dancing out in the lawn

cowboy boots shed

my song was on

i sang every word

every note

every line

one of those moments

i thought i’d never die

we spun

& we spun

i felt weightless

forever young

we twirled

& we swirled

at home in the world

that music

that crowd

best sound i’ve ever heard

all-night revival

i didn’t know it was missing

until it slipped from my lips

but that night

late july

toes in the grass

when we skipped

& we dipped

oh how i missed it

the return of my laugh

i didn’t know it was missing

until i heard it in the world

oh how i missed it

best sound i’ve ever heard

that night

toes in the grass

oh how i missed it

home at last

that night

oh how i missed it

the return of my laugh

all night

i missed it

home at last

to the tuesdays

about midnight

it's about past midnight

cold enough to see your breath

we're dancing in the headlights

talking about life after death

for just one moment

life doesn't feel like such a mess

it's about past midnight

& the nights like these

i'm at my best

nature

taking step by step

with wind in my hair

& dirt on my toes

flowers are blooming

bird chirps in my ear

feeling so aligned

i am in nature

nature is in me

donnelly’s

everyone knows

one of those charming type places

hole in the walls,

local cult following

food’s the best

they somehow know it all

well—

there is this little ice cream place

way way upstate

on the corner of 86

just past saranac lake

and when i say little,

i mean little

more of a shack really

a charming white shack

red benches outside

there’s room for two,

maybe three

standing inside

the screen door warns

watch your step

that classic type sign

i’ve seen a few cones splattered

plopped on the pavement

what a melty mess

best day ever,

turned to the worst

well—

maybe it’s still the best day

it’s a great lick for a pup

best lick in the world

donnelly’s

anyway—

they have this old style machine

the metal drips nostalgic

it makes the coziest little treat

an instant cure,

an ode for the homesick

she’s only open in the summer

cash, no credit

there’s always a line

but it doesn’t really matter

best ice cream in the world

best of your life

it’s this flat-top soft serve

a taste with a twirl

only one flavor a day

meltingly creamy

just select your size

it always tastes dreamy

will it be a classic chocolate-vanilla

or a raspberry swirl

doesn’t really matter

it’s the best in the world

donnelly’s ice cream

it’s the heart of the adirondacks

best ice cream of your life

best in the world

slow life

careful steps midstream

nature roaring

quiet thoughts drifting

never felt so alone

never felt so like me

a slow life feels more worth living

slow walks on the coastal

valuing strength over social

curling up with books

keeping a small circle

not caring how life looks

a slow life feels more worth living

up to a lot but telling so little

growing to love in my present

finding peace in my acceptance

doing nothing

& everything's changing

a slow life feels more worth living

golden thunder

walking in the late light dirt

darkness surrounds

thunder rumbling closer

clouds drown the sky

heavy thoughts racing

shadows lurk behind

weight on my shoulders

no escape from my mind

but the sun screams defiance

golden rays seep through

& i’m in the present

but time is slow

my steps are measured

but my clouds are still

angels walk beside me

i’m watching from above

we’re in the storm’s eye

there’s a pause to my chaos

& gold streaks the whole sky

to all the pain

a debt that's owed

a desk & a dollar

clouding dreams

faultless puppets

strung for high society

bettin’ on demise

& gamblin’ our time

morality’s disguise

as she’s passing by

a debt that's owed

rich get richer

“that’s just life”

coins on the table

daylight robbery

when did we sell souls

at the cost of our lives?

truth comes cheap

when the lie is sold

a debt that’s owed

so we’ve been told

jekyll & hyde

my twisted view of what was me & you

a split duality of the person i knew

despoiler disguised with virtue

the violator acting as victim

you're jekyll & hyde inside my mind

hate to wish you well deserved pain

guilt stricken for being okay

ashamed of our story

when i'm not to blame

caring from afar & never forgiving

i'm jekyll & hyde inside my mind

learned love

you asked me what i know love to be

my mind drifted to moments i’ve seen

eyes filled with rage, blinded by green

patched up holes & broken doors

invisible egg shells on the floor

slams & screaming in the kitchen

three little ones scared upstairs

police lights flashing on the porch

love found lifeless in the dark nights air

we locked eyes, i took a breath, & i let it fade

learned love

i spoke what i hoped love could be

my closed eyes find such a simple scene

dogs in the yard, surrounded by green

oven sweets & decorated doors

clothes dropped lovingly on the floor

laughter & dancing in the kitchen

three little ones asleep upstairs

sunset watching out on the porch

counting blessings in the dark nights air

we locked eyes, i took a breath, & i prayed on fate

we locked eyes, i took a breath, & i let it fade

rewrite

spinning blur

called a night

barefoot run

pavement bite

dancing streets

goofy crime

inky thoughts

jumpy time

brick wall room

bolted door

red ripped shirt

second floor

sober one

seized his fun

drunken state

hit & run

stirred awake

sin sight read

two laid bare

foreign bed

rewrite

state of shock

loudest thoughts

body frozen

stomach knots

no recall

not consent

laying scared

feeling bent

gaslit self

truth amend

block it out

play pretend

band aid fix

healing shirked

sadness crept

triggers lurked

bled in pen

hidden stings

blame within

moody swings

rewrite

zipped my lips

bit my tongue

bright future

he’s still young

moraled man

meant no harm

common slip

shushed alarm

clean conscience

guilt free soul

clever ruse

well played role

starved ruin

buried pain

kept the peace

saved his name

my mistake

drank my fate

showed my skin

set the bait

rewrite

truth’s shadow

can’t be raced

darkness clings

must be faced

silence haunts

blind eyes fail

last ditch plan

change the tale

grasp control

do or die

weave in fact

truth lined lie

nude once more

shed the past

this go ‘round

trumps the last

drove us far

out of town

long dirt road

winded down

rewrite

stars did stare

shivers shake

clothes did drop

edge of lake

tried to wash

off my fright

ice dipped skin

dead of night

stronger chill

in my bones

silent thoughts

left unknowns

won’t forget

can’t ignore

damage done

kept the score

damned to be

try i might

nothing we

could rewrite

to all the love

my favorite curse

i've always found loving

to be a beautiful curse

to feel so deeply

only to be left lonely

it takes time to fade

& never goes quite away

eye contact

energy buzzing in the air

charged in a single glance

lightning about to strike

someone's gonna get hurt

can't seem to break the gaze

sparks

dangerous to the touch

seen that look before

strangers so familiar

you've known me

& i've known you

doomed to meet the wildfire

who am i, who are you

to let this wildflower bloom

crush crash

our the cautious orbit

a silent pull

my quiet knowing

gravity’s lurking

drawn to collide

to know you is to free fall

to pass by is to look back

darling i think it’s time

the stars just aligned

brace for impact

who am i to resist?

who are we to resist?

the inevitable crash

hard to save (snippet)

found myself a guy with greenish eyes

never felt such comfort in a patient smile

nature is his savior, the outdoorsman life

not a thing in the world he can't do

done the minute he puts his mind to

jam bands & the dead in his heart

a southern boy & his goofy charm

hard to save (snippet)

lost himself a brown eyed girl

kind eyes hiding a bright mind

a few years his younger

a contagious smile

born to be in nature

desperate to be alive

a northeast lady & lover of life

snowberry lane

no contact

we called it a clean break

hometown visit & a goodbye exchange

when did it turn into a late night drive

three hours pass by

in the blink of an eye

endless conversation

a flow like old times

no street left untouched

no destination in mind

all drawn to an end

with a turn off of main

my car now parked

on snowberry lane

between lines of silence

we both knew

a reality outside

impossible to ignore

a hand hesitation

paused at the door

you looked at me and said

why don’t we just drive some more

return to main

i was home for a few days

or at least what it used to be

& i couldn’t help but wonder

if maybe you still think of me

i wonder about the conversation

if i saw you on the street

does your voice sound the same

are there new lines on your face

would it be all small talk & subtext

stumbling niceties

awkwardly polite

you seem well, you look great

would our hearts

have the same little ache?

or would it be an easy flow

like we never missed a beat

sometimes i wonder

what it’d be like

to see you on the street

would it hurt to walk away?

do you ever think about that day?

return to main

sometimes i think i miss you

i know that’s selfish of me to say

but i wouldn’t change a thing

except maybe knowing

who it is

you’ve gotten to grow into

without me in the way

yeah sometimes i think i still miss you

i know that must sound strange

but maybe really i’m just wondering

about the man i’ll never see

& how far you’ve grown

away from me

from the boy you used to be

since the day i left you

late on snowberry lane

sometimes i wish i knew

the man

you got to grow into

sometimes i wonder

standing on the street

about the grown man

the one

i’ll surely never meet

to the blur

growing pains

pain demands to be felt

& have its honoring

to find yourself in darkness

you have to start wandering

so ditch the novocaine

& walk into the gloom

yield to all the pain

the only way out is through

not who i was, not who i'm meant to be

but i'm on my way

& i like this version of she

tested & trialed, resilient & loving

walking out of the fog

the darkness is lifting

& there's no turning back

on the one way road called growing

south church

i saw you the other day

walking on south church

i was headed home

saw you a block away

& it was odd

i paused for a second

you were headed to main

i saw you

but you didn’t see me

a funny little irony —

we’re still the same

that’s how we used to be

we were both by the park

you with a friend,

me alone,

it was just before dark

but

without a second thought

i crossed the street

& it was odd

a year ago

i would’ve stayed

seeing you was everything

you were all that i craved

south church

but it wasn’t out of hurt

or pain

i just

didn’t feel like seeing you

is that weird to say?

i think i’ll always have days

i’d choose to stay in place

but

not the other day

& it was odd

i finally felt okay

never told you that i saw you

we were headed different ways

never told you that i loved you

wouldn’t have made you stay

i crossed the street the other day

& for once i knew

i was headed the right way

internal monologue

let go of all that fear

live a little

why so serious dear

storm chaser

grew up weathered

not knowing any better

one cloud after another

riding it out

window watching time

saw a glimpse of blue

a heartbeat renewed

sprinted from shelter

an underdog’s hope

maybe

my mind can escape too

bloodied toes

one way road

grasping land

outreached hands

slowed to a walk

froze at the light

a step back

second guess sight

(still feels in prog to me)

grey morphed to color

an endless clear sky

warm hugged breeze

the sun—

it really does shine

is this the storm's eye?

i’ve toed that line

can i trust it?

i’ll lose my mind

weather is all i know

listen for thunder

dress for downpour

prepare for bolts

watch the clouds coming

no time for sunshine

dig an early grave

a ditch called shelter

lie low

bunker down

life of a storm chaser

storm chaser

but days pass by

the sun still shines

wind holds at bay

clouds lock the rain

fear blinds the view

if i’m always hiding

when will i be free?

weather might brew

when do i get to be me?

life of a storm chaser

wind holds at bay

clouds lock the rain

the sun is still shining

it’s a bluebird day

time to retire

accept all the light

start living

life of a storm sun chaser

stardust

we’re all just pieces of stardust

mosaics of everyone we meet

atoms of a lucky recipe

& yet we all share one thing

a race against the reaper

one chance at a charming life

& i’m not sure what matters

should your journey look like mine?

we’re all doomed to be forgotten

just tiny ants in a sea of time

an ode (darling)

an ode for people like me

born low on dopamine

in a desperate plea

daydreaming of places

& people we’d rather be

darling i know

darkness creeps in

crawling beneath the skin

everything feels too much

light so far away

life itself, out of touch

darling please know

you’re not alone

inside those bones

life’s a ride, up & down

blast a song just to hold on

find a way not to drown

an ode to the busy days

that multi day muscle achin’

long drives, tired eyes, type two fun

burning the candle at both ends

living life like we’re on the run

an ode to the tuesdays

books you can’t put down

simple days, simple things

sweet petrichor & warm rain

lyrics you can’t help but sing

an ode (darling)

an ode to all the pain

heartbreak denyin’, living far

car cryin’, tear soaked lashes

every cloud, a silver linin’

phoenix rise in their own ashes

an ode to all the love

friends that don’t talk everyday

the excited dog at the door

a partner’s calm embrace

family is forever at its core

an ode to what makes life worth living

cold mornings, warm days, firelit nights

sun chasing, star gazing, late night driving

getting high, what a ride, live free or die

windows down, hand is out, song that’s blasting

days out in the green

mountains under my feet

& people who truly know me

darling this ode is for you

when the house feels on fire

& there’s no place to run

blast this song & just hold on

life’s just barely begun

mmm there will be more days

lived out in the green

with mountains under my feet

& people that love me for me

rearview

if we’re all just

mosaics of everyone we meet

i’m thankful for the good i’ve seen

the people i’m lucky to know

& for who

they’ve shaped me

to be

who would i be

without

my friends in the rearview